Emotional literacy

Phew! So it’s going much better than I thought!?

Posted on by alcoholicsguide

I have often written about all the difficulties I have had with reading my emotions. Especially in early recovery when I could not even identify and label the most intense negative emotions.

That experience has set me on a near decade-long search to better understand emotions and the way a lack of awareness of emotions plays in addiction and in recovery.

Today I would say the effective and rational/reasonable control of emotions is one area that has become noticeably better.

I tolerate negative emotions better, their intensity is much reduced compare to early recovery, the duration of these emotions is much much shorter than before. I seem to also make better decisions in my life based on not being overwhelmed by my emotions, particularly negative emotions.

It is said by much research that addicts, alcoholics and those with behavourial addictions have something skin to alexithymia, an impaired ability to read emotions and act on them in making decisions.

Humans seem to use emotions to make decisions which is something I never realized before.

When I ask my wife how have I changed she always says I have become more considerate and more mature in my emotional reactions.

This to me shows recovery as a process of handling emotions better, in a more emotional mature as opposed to immature way.

I also have looked at lots of research that says this emotional immaturity is there for many pre-using drugs or alcohol or engaging in unhealthy behaviours. So it may be a part of the aetiology of addictive behaviours.

When I first came into recovery I remember my wife would drive me to AA meetings. This was before my sponsor said I would be either walking or getting the bus from now on!

I was mortified?

ME!? Doesn’t he know who I am?

I have chauffeur, thank you very much?.

I had become so emotional dependent on my wife. It was like another addiction/dependency.

Recovery has been a long, at times painful, process of growing up, however reluctantly at times!

I was not only powerless over alcohol but fairly hopeless too when it came to living life on lives terms.

The more chronic my addictions became the more I regressed emotionally.

The more I recovered the more I matured emotionally,  is my point.

Even today I often have to “talk my emotions out” to see what I feel really, before I can label and identify what I am feeling really.

Before I can act maturely on what I am feeling instead of emotionally reacting which is what I always used to do.

As a fellow recovering person said in this article (1)  . . “. sit down with people and bounce some ideas off each other and get it off your chest and stuff. That’s very helpful and that kind of helps me, like saying it out loud to identify where I’m actually at.”

This is why ringing sponsors and talking to fellow recovering people is essential  especially in early recovery.

We do not how we feel clearly what we are really feeling otherwise, delude ourselves everything is fine, continue to make poor decisions to the point of becoming emotionally  drunk and then often relapsing to physically drunk.

We do all of this sometimes not because we want to drink but because we think we can do it alone when we cannot.

Sometimes in early recovery we haven’t go a clue what is going on, our arrogant pride however resists this idea and keeps missing the point of what is really going on.

Our errant emotion processing does not result in clear thinking, it results in negative, strangely deluded thinking.

By deluded I mean divorced from the reality of things as they really are. It takes some weeks and months to realize we cannot fully rely on our own thinking and this can be a blow to the pride.

The concluding part of this study (1) was very revealing to me and explained part of the “feeling” that often accompanies early recovery, the feeling of not recovering fast enough of not recovering NOW!

Addicts and alcoholics want everything NOW even recovery, they want the recovery of ten years in ten weeks!

” …some  participants interpreted negative feelings as global markers of overall emotional ill health and poor progress in recovery, for example, “I think I should be feeling better now” and “I thought I was progressing but in a lot of ways I haven’t and that’s not good.”

Here, participants realize they are experiencing negative feelings and understand it as suggestive of a larger negative phenomenon, for example, that they are not “better now” and not “progressing” as previously thought. This type of negative globalization is a type of cognitive distortion.”

A cognitive distortion is a deluded thought like those mentioned above. Our errant negative emotions produce distorting thinking.

Our negative feelings rarely tell us the truth. They give some jaundiced view of reality.

This is why we need to have constant contact with others in recovery to offload these negative feelings.

Just as with sharing with a sponsor or a friend to find out what we feel, we need to share with others to undistort our negative thinking. Negative emotions often give rise to negative thinking.

“As one participant said “And I know [recovery] is not a magic fix either because I didn’t expect, if you get sober to be all of a sudden everything is perfect. That’s not the way it works. . . . So it’s going to take you a little longer to feel better.””

I would add to this that it is  progress not perfection.

I would also add that we can feel better quicker than we think on a basis, one day at a time.

Ring someone, talk to someone and try to verbalise how you feel.

This straightens out your thinking and you will feel better right away.

We drank to go “phew!” a release from our thinking and negative heads, now we “share” with others what is really going on with us, to get to understanding what emotions ail us and this leads to the same feeling of release, to the same feeling of “phew!”

We never have to drink again to go “phew”, talk to someone instead.

We will discover things are never as negative as our thinking has lead us to believe, and are usually a whole better in fact!

We recover together.

 

References

1. Krentzman, A. R., Higgins, M. M., Staller, K. M., & Klatt, E. S. (2015). Alexithymia, Emotional Dysregulation, and Recovery From Alcoholism Therapeutic Response to Assessment of Mood. Qualitative health research,25(6), 794-805.

Reading Our Emotions Makes Us More Emotionally Literate

Posted on by alcoholicsguide

PIN your emotions

Emotional dependency is the result of being emotionally undifferentiated. The more differentiated we are, the less reactive we are to others and the better we can soothe ourselves.

We have discussed previously in various blogs how this lack of emotion differentiation leads to impulsive responding. In simple terms we cannot feel our emotions so do not recruit reflective goal directed or planning parts of the brain and instead recruit more motor based parts of the brain. In a confused emotional state we can react rather than  act via self reflection.

This tendency is seen in children of alcoholics at risk for later alcoholism and in practically every addictive behaviour from alcoholism to substance addiction, to eating disorders, gambling and sex addiction.

For me it may be a brain signature  of addictive behaviour, choosing now over then via a impulsive desire to relieve this negative feeling state and immediately feel better. Thus setting the cycle of addiction in action.

Your level of emotional maturity relates to your level of differentiation. The more mature you are, the more differentiated you are.

What are undifferentiated emotions? This is a state in which the individual’s emotions are so confused that their expression of them is only physical. In this state, they lack the language to describe how they feel. This is very confusing an explosion of anger is often not too far behind.

Undifferentiated emotions can be dangerous. People often resort to physical aggression or loud verbal tirades when they lack the words to separate the many emotions that precede anger.

Emotional literacy is therefore vital for anyone who wants to manage their anger.

Putting our emotions into words removes the mystery as well as the misery of not knowing what is going on inside of us.

Learning an emotional vocabulary brings clarity…One is now able to Perceive, Identify and Name (PIN) emotions that lead to the anger. This change often leads the individual to take greater responsibility for their actions

 

https://angeronmymind.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/undifferentiated-emotions/

Thus it is important to be able to recognize what emotions are really happening in us so as to be less reactive with ourselves and others.

 

photo-for-emotional-maturity

However, it seems to be there is more to this emotional immaturity that just identifying, labeling and verbalizng emotions (or processing emotions).

We also seem to struggle with dealing with emotions which threaten to overwhelm us when things do not go our way. Or we can’t get what we want, when we are frustrated etc.  Sometimes our reactive behaviour is so spontaneous that we only appreciate it afterwards.

I cite from a useful blog here –

“As addicts recover from addiction they gain emotional skills they never had before.

Dimensions of Emotional maturity

  1. The ability to modulate emotional responses.  Addicts tend to have an all or nothing emotional response.  When they respond they become overly emotional and take a longer time to return to baseline.  They are easily flooded with emotion to the point of impairing functioning.
  1. The ability to tolerate frustration.  Another emotional skill learned as we grow up is the ability to tolerate a frustrating situation with a level of self control.  Addicts tend to respond to frustrating situations as disasters rather than having any perspective.
  1. The ability to delay gratification.  Emotionally immature people have trouble planning and working toward goals.  The ability to give up immediate gratification is necessary for anyone to go about life in a successful way.
  1. The ability to control impulses.  The mature self has the ability to see that feeling the urge to do something is not the same as doing it.  The recovering addict has a level of control over his or her behavior and can put boundaries around what is inappropriate to say or do.  This is the basis for making logical choices like whether to act on impulses or not to.
  1. The ability to be reliable and accountable.  Addicts are often self centered and not good at dealing with the everyday requirements of life like being on time, fulfilling obligations and telling the truth.  As they gain emotional maturity they gain the ability to get out of themselves and think about the impact of their actions on others and on their own lives as well.

Recovery skills promote emotional maturity

The process of recovery from addictions is in many ways a process of completing the process growing up.

The work that goes on in addiction treatment involves changes that allow for that process to occur.

Looking at the addict’s core beliefs.  The addicts assumptions about himself, acquired in childhood are largely negative.  Addicts feel they are basically unworthy and unlovable.  They lack trust and don’t feel that others will be willing or able to help them.  Looking at these negative core beliefs about oneself is a first step toward being able to question them.  Addicts in recovery begin by getting honest about what they are feeling.

Connection.  In recovery addicts are helped to see that they are not so alone or so different and that there are other people to connect with.  This in turn allows for learning the emotional skills of accountability and honesty.  They come to realize that what they do matters and has real life implications for themselves and for the people in their life.

Self reflective ability. The recovery process involves learning to stop and reflect on what is going on inside of oneself in any situation.  This is amazingly absent in most practicing addicts.  Impulse control and emotional regulation are impossible if the person lacks the ability to observe their inner state.  It is only through developing this “observing ego” that the recovering addict can have the means to look at things more realistically, self-regulate emotional responses without resorting to drugs.

Tolerating feelings.  In giving up their drug of choice, addicts begin to feel all the feelings they have been running from.  Abstaining from an addictive behavior means being forced to deal with emotions like insecurity, self-hate, and loneliness.   In this way the addict begins to have the means to see and label their own emotions and connect with painful memories that they may have buried. You can’t deal with a problem if you can’t allow yourself to feel it.

Feelings are only feelings.  When we gain emotional maturity we accept our feelings but we are able to deal with them effectively.  We have choices.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex-addiction/2013/06/gaining-emotional-maturity-is-key-to-addiction-recovery/

 

More signs of being Emotionally Immature

“immature” adults are often unable to identify or manage their emotions. They usually avoid their emotions by intellectualizing, explaining, analyzing, disagreeing, attacking, flattering, joking, apologizing, evading, going silent, becoming aloof or suspicious, rejecting, criticizing or judging. They often come across as superior, arrogant, stubborn, defiant, hostile, people-pleasing, wishy-washy, phony, resentful, intolerant, self-pitying or victimized.

In contrast, the emotionally mature adult understands that “my emotions are not me, but mine – I’m in control, not my emotions”. So they are more objective are less judgmental. They are better able to detach themselves from triggers that would normally provoke an emotional reaction. They experience states of equanimity, serenity and inner peace. Blaming others is no longer a strategy they use to make themselves feel safe.

Emotionally Immature are reactive and throw tantrums. They are fearful, scared, needy, angry, resentful, pushy, bullying, jealous or envious. They can be quiet, withdrawn, defensive, argumentative or grandiose. They can come across as overbearing, micromanaging, controlling, disrespectful, fearful, angry, negative, judgmental, critical, abusive (mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically), dishonest, insincere, narcissistic and focused on the self and the ego.

The most visible quality of emotional maturity is the capacity to be in the moment, to be present while being non-reactive or non-judgmental.

This “being present” supports our true and authentic self to guide us. We intuit “right knowing”, “right understanding” and “right action”. We feel our emotions without “becoming” our emotions. We grasp that the “trigger” for our reactivity may be “outside me”, but the “cause” of my emotions is within me.

http://www.management-issues.com/opinion/6811/emotional-intelligence-or-emotional-maturity/